Friday, August 14th, 2009...5:00 pm
When I Pursued Joy
Two of our little ones slipped away, never knowing breath in their lungs or air on their pores. After tears, and fears still lingering, I prayed for another and did not have to wait long. Thank God!
But I did not maintain the thankfulness. Twelve weeks into the most physically and emotionally difficult pregnancy I ever had, instead of thanking God for giving me (so quickly!) what I asked for, I whined. I grumbled and complained.
I realized it and resolved not to whine anymore. I saw that joy no longer resided in me, and I made a decision. I decided to focus on God’s blessings and the reasons to be joyful.
Joy. I started pursuing it; I made a plan. I found in myself an unusual craving for people—for companionship—so I sought out their company. I arranged weekly lunches with my husband. I invited families to dinner. I set up coffee dates with girlfriends. Fellowship, companionship, love—these things brought joy.
Good. My plan was working. Determined, I brainstormed other ways to pursue joy and discovered: selfless deeds! I brought a meal to a busy family; I sent an encouraging note; I changed a diaper for a young mother. Yes! Yet another way to pursue joy!
Grinning, I clenched my teeth, flexed my biceps, and plowed on with my plan for joy. In between the highs, though, were deep lows of despair. I had to fight so hard to be joyful—and I got it, but it was momentary. My plan had flaws. The first few months of that pregnancy were the hardest months I had endured in a long time. I never knew emotional pain could be excruciating. I was tired of crying.
What happened? I thought I found the answer. I thought I cured myself of emotional instability by 1) refusing to complain / dwelling on positive things, and 2) pursuing things that bring me joy. The result was a frantic ride of intermittent joy followed by darkness, misery, and despair. Failure.
Then what was the real answer? Where is hope? How do I get out?
Tears, and tears again. Real heart-pain. And in the midst of it, hard, true, unwavering words from my husband, the father of the child alive and growing in me:
“I think you’ve been seeking satisfaction outside the Lord.”
I flung sharp words at him. “Then how do you seek joy in the Lord?” I demanded.
“You actually don’t. You seek the Lord, and He grants you joy.”
I got my answer.
…and on that day they offered great sacrifices and rejoiced because God had given them great joy…
(Nehemiah 12:43 NASB)
I no longer aim my sights at joy. I pursue God Himself.
**********
“My Goal Is God Himself”
(Frederick Brook)
My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;
‘Tis His to lead me there—not mine, but His—
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.
So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Till God hath full fulfilled my deepest prayer.
No matter if the way be sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost be oft-times great,
He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark,
The way that leads to Him must needs be strait.
One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay;
One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;
My God my glory here, from day to day,
And in the glory there my great Reward.
...to Know-Love-Obey God
22 Comments
August 14th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful… I am linking this post from my blog today. I gave up on joy years ago, and only recently, I’ve been amazed to discover that it is really there, from Him, inside me, unlinked to my sorrow – it is all a sharing in His heart…
Thank you so much for your real.
August 14th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
AMEN!! Been there. Done that. Totally agree!
August 14th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Thank you. I needed this.
August 14th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
What a wise husband God has given you! I am in the same boat. Just lost 2 back to back in less than 6 months. Not sure I want to do it again. Glad you are! And glad you have God to walk with through whatever He brings.
Blessings,
Cory =)
August 14th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
the day we turn to face Him and give Him everything we have … not pieces … is the day of our brightest beginning.
this was an excellent post, Monica.
thank you for making the trek up to my place this afternoon. it was great to see you … if even for a few moments. and the ice cream … omg … i am so not sharing!!!!! i look forward to listening to jean. thank you for that cd too!
i hope this evening at Fox Run was fun.
August 15th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Very good post. I must ask – how is your joy basket these days? I pray it overflows……….
August 17th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I loved this! Thank you for sharing your journey. I linked your post on my blog.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
oh Monica, this was hard to read. To feel your pain, and loss, and then losing what you were clinging to so dearly.
And yet ,
I think when I went about being a good girl and pleasing everyone , it would bring me goodness and mercy and joy, but I still felt something not quite there.
I don’t know if it is a surrender , or a quiet in the sacred spaces of our everydays, the sunsets, the voice on the breeze. It made room for the Holy Spirit perhaps.
Blessings to your beautiful beautiful soul, and to joy everlasting.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Amazing gift these words of wisdom you share…thanks!
August 20th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Wow! I am humbled by your words & your husband’s wisdom. Thank-you.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Oh, to see where we’ve been, and where the Lord has brought us. He is faithful to never leave us . . . the same.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:18 am
Monica,
Having lost a baby between my two precious children, I could relate to so many of the emotions you shared in this wonderful post. I also find myself in a current season of a struggle, a fight for joy, failure to manufacture it, and running into Him.
Blessings on your husband for pointing you to Jesus in such a gentle, direct way, and blessings on you for sharing such raw truth.
Shaunie
September 1st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Thank you so much for this post. I too have lost babies back to back and at 17 weeks each. I remember that next pregnancy well and all the severe struggles, physically and emotionally! That was nine years ago, and four children ago, wow, the emotions are easy to recall. But He has healed the pain.
Now, I have severe health struggles, but the lesson in the spiritual, not the physical. All these years I thought myself so surrendered, so abandoned, so trusting Him for my joy…boy have I been wrong. I have been unable to manufacture joy and peace in my heart, I try and try…He has shown me with this and many other things in my life I still look within myself to somehow get what I think I need! Why does it surprise me so, I should know this by now!!
I find myself learning once again to ENTIRELY lean on Him, for EVERYTHING! I so thought I was, leaning on Him, until He stripped me of all I can do and hedged me in so far that I could not see daylight, now I see I was wrong.
sorry to ramble, just trying to say thanks in a wordy sort of way;-)
September 1st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
This is so beautifully said. This has been my life’s journey and I could not agree more…I just have never said it as well as you just did! Thank you!
September 1st, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Wonderful!
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:03 am
What a revelation…I have fallen into these same traps and am slowly untangling myself. I am trying to seek hard after God for no other reason than God Himself. It is taking time to undo such habits of pursuing joy…but it is working!! Thank you for sharing. Ann of Holy Experience put your link on her Delicious page and I found it there. Glad I did!
September 3rd, 2009 at 6:31 am
Wonderful post. I really needed to read this except I don’t know where to begin-sounds crazy but this is where I am at.
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
So true. For me the challenge is continuing to seek God. I just get distracted, you know?
I love the writing here by the way. Those paragraphs starting with the one word sentence. Very compelling.
September 5th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Monica,
I found your blog through the (in)courage site. I am so glad I did. This post was profound, inspiring and encouraging. Thank you for sharing your heart and spreading the message of joy. It’s God, always God.
Blessings and Grace -
September 6th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Your husband’s wise words “You seek the Lord, and He grants you joy.” just hit home here.
I’m a momma of five, just exhausted from “keeping up” and have been fighting to hold on to that Joy. Home tonight from church with two sick little ones and browsing my bloglines, clicked over from the (In)Courage feed, and you posting that spoke volumes for me.
Thank you…
Blessings,
Beck
September 6th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
found you through incourage…I often use the words, “choosing joy,” but you’re right…it is so much more than that, isn’t it?
September 8th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Monica, thank you so much for this timely message. I must admit that I have wanted joy so badly that I have tried (and still do sometimes) try to do it on my own. I do think we (I!) need to focus on Jesus and be open to the life and the joy that only He can provide.
Thank you and may God richly bless you with His presence in your life!
Deborah
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